Exam paper

Reading between the lines.

A tagline is a variant of a branding slogan typically used in marketing materials and advertising.

- wiki

Do you know how important is tagline for any company? Earlier I was of the opinion that tagline is just few words inserted in any commercial to make the commercial long enough that target audience (bakra)remembers the brand. My brainchild theory (will be) popularly known as ‘tagline theory,’ made me change my opinion that tagline is ‘just few words’.

A theory that I would like to publish on my blog because no one else will publish it. No no… not because others will think it is rubbish …but because no one accepts out-of-the-box thinking. Galileo Galilei was imprisoned for publishing his Sun-centered theory of the universe.

According to me Tagline is a line with few but selected words that describes a product/company. All you need to do is read between the lines. Let me quote some examples to make it clear.

India’s biggest bank - State bank of India, with net profit 45.41 billion INR a year, had a tagline ‘where nation banks’ and indeed that was true. But in last few years, the nation suddenly stopped banking on/with State bank of India as few ‘Hum hai na…’ banks started their operations. There was a need to change SBI’s tagline with something that really represents them. SBI’s strength – Customer Satisfaction, IT usage, New products, extended working hours, Uninterrupted banking (no strikes) ??? Nahhh…. So SBI came up with new tagline that really suits them ‘Pure banking and nothing else’.

Do you know smoking is the single biggest cause of cancer in the world? Smoking causes lung cancer which has one of the lowest survival rates of all cancers. But government would lose significant revenue if they prohibit manufacturing of cigarettes. Statuary warning ‘SMOKING IS INJURIOUS TO YOUR HEALTH’ is made mandatory in all cigarettes packets.

Don’t get defensive if you are smoker… I really don’t care about you. I am just giving analogy with beauty cream. Every other day a new beauty cream is launched into the market which may contain some carcinogenic particles if not tested before. Ohhh..is this a reason why a ‘body care’ company has started using statuary warning as there tagline? 'Garnier…Take Care'. If I am not making any sense then watch Garnier’s commercial carefully next time.

You must have heard about ‘Mahindra & Mahindra’ but not about ‘Tata & Tata’ or ‘Birla & Birla’. Before India-Pakistan partition M&M was Mohammed & Mahindra but at the time of partition Mohammed agreed to work for Pakistan automobile Industry and Mahindra for Indian automobile industry. But in a bid to save the money which would be required to replace the M & M logo on the firm's stationary and signs, Mahindra simply hired himself as a partner and renamed the company Mahindra & Mahindra. Intelligent move hahhh…

But these new breed of so called corporate doesn’t seems to have got this gyan. Recently I heard Pizza Hut planning to re brand name as Pasta Hut. Ultimately it will be customer who will pay for this multi-million rebranding. If they really want to change the name then I would suggest ‘PH’. Yahh..just ‘PH’. PH for Pizza Hut, Pasta Hut or few months down the line if they wish to introduce Paratha then also ‘PH’ will work. No need to change it to Paratha Hut.

Bharti changed Airtel’s landline business to Touchtel but after few months it was again changed back to Airtel. Mr Mittal may I suggest you a new name please. What about Confusedtel?

World’s fourth largest truck manufacturer and the world’s second largest bus manufacturer one fine day decided to manufacture car. A car was rolled out of assembly line with all expertise in manufacturing heavy vehicles. It was a bull in sheep’s clothing, a truck in car’s clothing. Bit heavy so they had to give a tagline that suits – ‘More car per car’. Yes you got it right I am talking about Tata Indica.

When Maruti Omni was launched that time brand management and marketing was not so aggressive otherwise someone would have tagged Maruti Omni as – ‘More accident per car’. A car where driver is inches away from anything coming on its way. A car with no aerodynamics and ever ready to turn turtle. A car with fuel tank at extreme rear and that too at the base. Fuel tank ready to detonate as soon as someone collides. One more tagline line I would suggest for Maruti Omni – ‘Box on Wheels’ inspired by the royal train ‘Palace on Wheels’.

Mphasis was recently acquired by EDS. A new line, ‘an EDS company’, was introduced in Mphasis’s logo. Later on HP bought EDS and EDS’s logo was changed to include one line ‘an HP company’. Last time when I visited HP’s website I couldn’t find ‘invent’ in there logo. I guess they are making space for ‘a Google company’. Hey Larry & Sergey hope you read my blog regularly.

Someone told me that Infosys has changed there tagline from ‘Powered by intellect and driven by values’ to ‘Win in the flat world’. An ex-infosion or rather outfosion, after reading my theory, asked me that have Infosys left intellect and values to win in the flat world? I immediately said NO. But he gave a ‘bitter truth’ smile.

"the firm"

'The only constant is change.' – Ηράκλειτος of Ephesus (c.535 BC - 475 BC)

...and so should be with my life. But what is going to change? Don't know but something should be. After enough coding and solving couple of -805s, there should be something else... "-805" ???... Ohh you don't know "-805"...that means you have never worked on 'mission critical' projects with IBM DB2 on 3270 screen. Ahhh...but don't worry as all IT projects are 'mission critical'...don't know why. I have never worked on a project which in not critical. May be IT industry has taken Elias Schwartz words seriously - Anything not worth doing is worth not doing.

So, one fine day I decided why not to switch? Not just company but altogether to a different industry, how about Banking & Finance???? Investment banking, equity and fixed-income sales, research and trading, investment management, private equity, and private banking...wow ...sounds good. I will be then analyzing financial data and all big big graphs based on current scenario, market trend, public sentiments. Great...!!!

"where to switch??" was a question which never bothered me. With my strong analysis and research I came up with a list of top firms worldwide. Worldwide?? yes... worldwide. I am willing to relocate even to Timbuktu or to Shangri La. Next step was to come up with "the firm" from the list of top firms, which led to a need for tough elimination round. Elimination round was sub-divided to...phone a friend, 50:50 and Public poll. "Change Question" was out of question. Finally the lucky winner was "the firm" which I was looking to work for.

"the firm":

• which started in 1840s
• which is top recruiter in all B-schools. Harvard, IMD, Stanford, LSE, LSB, IIMs...
• where 28000 employees work from 23 different countries.
• with a revenue of 59 billion USD (last financial year)
• with total assets of more than 691 billion USD (last financial year)
• where CEO earns USD 7,000,000 + stock option a year. This is 2006 figure and I didn't dare to know his current salary. Everyone down the hierarchy is also paid exorbitantly. Nahhh...I shouldn't say 'exorbitantly'.

I couldn’t stop imagining myself working on Toshiba Protégé R500 12S in my personal cabin on 30th floor of Bank Street at Canary Wharf, a Luxurious and elegant business district with Thames on its three side, with a spectacular view of the Millennium Dome from my cabin. Wohhhhffff....

I prepared a draft resume and then decided to apply my IT fundas which I have leant over the years. I sent my resume for review to a friend and his friend and his friend's friend; finally I incorporated all reviews comments and suddenly realized that the document has now turned to a utter crap. Somebody said it right -too many cooks spoil the broth. Then with a broken heart i took a step back and kept all fundas to shelves and came up with a really nice resume. What was I waiting for next? Nothing. I had a nice sleep after sending the resume to HR.

Next day "the firm" made a breaking news on almost all news channels including Aaj Tak. News was - "the firm" ANNOUNCES IT INTENDS TO FILE CHAPTER 11 BANKRUPTCY PETITION. "the firm" has a dedicated risk analysis team which monitors almost all multinational and fortune 500 companies round the clock but they forgot to analyze their own risk. Haila...!!!

So now "the firm" may consider to change their 'Mission Statement' from -

We are One Firm of dedicated professionals, working together to build unrivaled partnerships with our clients. Our hallmark is a unique culture that puts clients at the heart of everything we do, stands by our commitment to maintain the highest ethical standards, focuses on our clients’ best interests and delivers the full resources of the Firm every day to help our clients realize their vision.

to -

We were One Firm of dedicated professionals, working together to build rivaled partnerships with our clients. Our hallmark is a unique culture that puts clients at the heart attack of everything we do, stands by our commitment to maintain the highest hypothetical standards, focuses on our clients’ best interests and delivers the full resources of the Firm every day to help our clients realize their vision was confusion.

and re-branding may happen soon from Lehman to LayOffMan.

Don't worry about me. My life is still going to be changed. Now I am going to work for 'Lashmi Chit fund'. Its just a new startup with small brand image, but can I assure you that my new company is at par with all other investment bank works. Wish me all the best.

ps: Lehman Brothers Holdings is closing its doors with more than $600 billion of debt -- the biggest bankruptcy in U.S. history. The previous largest bankruptcy was that of WorldCom Inc. in July 2002, which had $104 billion of assets.